Tall vs. Short

To all the tall people up there, all of you gangly, lanky, stretched out people: Your jealousy is expected. You wish you were short and with good reason.
Shorter people always tend to be much smarter. You don’t believe me? Look at the facts: Tall people are so high up off the ground that the air is thin, the lack of oxygen to their brains causes nausea and light headedness, and prevents them from thinking properly. Short people don’t ever have to worry about this, down to the ground there is plenty of air to go around.
Another reason short people are so much smarter is that we aren’t constantly losing brain cells by ramming our heads into things. It could be a low doorway, an overhead pipe, a low branch or a firmly placed pull-up bar. Short people can just walk on by without worrying about this, while the stressed out tall people are always on the fritz, looking out for any threat to their heads.
If intelligence doesn’t matter at all to you, then envy us for our loves of comfort and luxury. When we choose to sit in a chair, we just flop down. Tall people, however, have to zero in on a target and then take ages to lower their great length into a chair. Short people also don’t ever have to worry about falling over. There is not much difference between standing up and lying down for us. But woe is to those who are tall. The fall alone could take hours and by the time you hit the ground, no one will be around to pick your banged and battered body up. Short people have it all!
Short people have so many occupational options that are closed to those vertically gigantic. Shoe-shining, lace-tying, janitorial work and poop- picker upper. The job options are many and varied.
Stereotypes always follow tall people around: they are always asked if they play basketball. It doesn’t matter if you hate sports, as long as you are a head and shoulders above everyone else, you are expected to know who Kareem-Abdul-Jabar is and are ridiculed if you can’t tell how many championship rings Kobe Bryant has won. Short people, of course, are safe from such ridiculous behavior and expectations.
Now, tall people don’t be overly depressed. I am very aware that pointing out these facts has been traumatic to your emotional state. But there is a solution. A solution so simple, yet so brilliant that I cant believe tall people haven’t tried it before. (It’s probably because it takes a short person’s brain to figure something out like this.)
The solution is easy; just chop off your shins. Now the average tall person must have about two foot of excess shin. Just chop it right off and don’t worry, you don’t have to chop of your feet. You can keep those for conveniences sake. But shins are useless! They don’t do anything except get splints, ache after running, and give opposing soccer players a target for their malicious intent and vicious right foot. So, actually my solution is killing the two proverbial birds with one stone.
Now occasionally there have been reports of people having a hard time using their feet after a shin removal, but the risk is minimal. Wouldn’t it be worth it to no longer be a freak? No longer have to worry about banging your head or worrying about getting rejected from your dream job just because of a few feet worth of excess ankle? If I were tall, I would definitely have the surgery.
To all you tall people up there, all you gangly, lanky, stretched out people: Your jealousy is expected. Don’t you wish you were like me?